Thursday, February 9, 2012

Breast and Bottle

Someone posted this on Facebook today. I understand it's supposed to be toungue-in-cheek, and can certainly identify with some of them. However, I felt it was only fair to answer it with a bottle feeding preparation protocol.

From Parenting Magazine:

"Suck it! The REAL Way to Prep for Breastfeeding"


... Day 1
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.

Day 3
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."

Day 4
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6
Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."

Day 7
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9
Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.

Day 10
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11
Go someplace public - a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building - and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12
Suckle a wolverwine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.

Now, here's my answer.

The REAL Way to Prepare to Bottlefeed

... Day 1
Spend hours researching the best bottle for your family. Don’t forget to choose between glass or plastic. Is it BPA free? Do you want drop in liners? Do you get the one with venting technology? Low flow or variable nipples? Now try to choose a formula.

Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, run downstairs, blind yourself with your kitchen light, and measure out exactly 4.2 scoops of clumpy lumpy powder. Add water – not too hot or too cold. Mix it well, and make sure there’s no lumps. Run back upstairs. Try to fall back to sleep, but don’t forget you have to do this again in a few hours.

Day 3
Inject a gallon of water under your skin. Does it feel like it’s going to explode? Now put frozen cabbage leaves on your skin. Continue for a few days.

Day 4
Remove everything from your counter to make room for drying bottles, and clean out one of your stuffed kitchen cabinets to make room for a dozen baby bottles and a few cans of formula.

Day 5
Go out and buy a dozen of the best bottles on the market. Wait until two in the morning, and then ask your spouse to make an emergency trip to the local store to find a different bottle.

Day 6
Wake your spouse up in the middle of the night with a wet cat stuffed in a bag. Ask him to hold it while you go downstairs and repeat Day 1’s exercise.

Day 7
Dig a bottle out of the side pouch of your purse while driving through an obstacle course. Once you find it, turn your arm upside down and reach around to the backseat. Aim the nipple at a small, constantly moving spot. And don’t wreck the car.

Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford. Schedule the teenage next door neighbor to call you in a panic and say, “The can of formula in the cabinet is empty,” with a recording of the wet cat in the bag playing in the background.

Day 9
Record your breastfeeding friend proclaiming, "Once I get her latched on, I usually fall back asleep." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m. while you continue your exercise from Day 6.

Day 10
Leave a bottle of formula under your couch for two weeks.

Day 11
Go someplace public - a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building - and hold a lifelike baby doll in one arm, along with your recording of the wet cat in the bag. Wiggle the doll’s head back and forth at your breast as fast as you can, and mix a bottle of formula with the other hand. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12
Tally up how much you will spend on bottles, formula, bottle brushes, extra nipples, and the hands-free bottle prop attachment for your car seat.
Congratulations! You are now ready to bottlefeed a baby. Maybe.

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