Finding My Way Back...

For quite a while, I've been having an internal battle about my hair. Almost six years ago, I decided to take the plunge and lock it up. I needed something new, something different, something to help me in my healing and my intent to let go. Dreadlocks have been a challenge, a journey, a learning process.  Giving myself over to the process of locking my hair allowed me to take a break from being in control, and taught me to be witness to the magic instead of trying to be master of it.

For the life of my locks, my care routine was very low maintenance. I generally just washed and let my hair air dry, and would pull my roots apart every few washes. Then, about a year ago, as my hormone-driven hair loss ceased, I suddenly had a huge amount of new growth coming in, and fuzz everywhere on my head. I began to start trying to tuck and sew and crochet those little wild strands in, and then went through a "I'm going to cut them!" phase about seven months ago. I decided against it, and had a friend do some serious maintenance and cleaning up, and my head looked much tidier. Still, I haven't regained the total love I once had for my locks, and since last summer, I've trying to figure out what change I need. I've thought of cutting them off, trimming them shorter, going all in and having a huge maintenance session to make them smooth and fuzz free... So many options, but none seems quite right to me.

Aside from how my locks appear, there’s the cultural aspect to consider as well. For a while now, I’ve wondered if I am being socially and culturally responsible with my hairstyle choice. Yes, it’s so much more than a style to me, but is that evident to everyone who crosses my path, and more importantly, does that matter? What impact am I having by wearing my hair this way? Those are tough questions, with tough answers. I have been fortunate that I’ve only had one negative reaction to my hair in all my years of wearing dreadlocks, and countless positive interactions. My hair has sparked conversation with people I otherwise would have very little in common with at first glance. But still, I feel a social responsibility to consider what statement I may be making, regardless of what my intent may be. This sense of duty has weighed heavily in my exploration of change as well.

I'm so scared to cut them. My strength, my healing, my energy is contained in my hair, and lobbing it off seems like it would be traumatic. This is without a doubt the most flattering hair style I've ever had, but that's a tiny piece of the puzzle. They are so much more than just my hair style. My children don't know me without this hair. Many of my friends don’t know me without this hair. My locks have become a part of my identity, and I’m not sure I’m ready to let go of that identity. Cutting them seems so impulsive, so permanent, but I am exhausted of feeling less than satisfied, so I'm pushing myself to really explore what comes next.

I've been pouring over Pinterest, looking at what "styles" of dreadlocks and loose hair I'm attracted to, and the truth is, I've just lost my path. Again and again I come back to photos of loose hair surrounding natural, personality-filled locks. I was low maintenance for so long, and I've let go of that, somehow veering off the path and trying to cultivate these perfect locks with no loose hair. That's just not the spirit of the journey I started on. So now, I find my way back to that path, letting my hair be my hair, and just taking care of it. Being witness to, not master of, my locks.

Yesterday I cut a handful of gum bands out of my roots, and today my scalp feels loose and a bit fuzzy. I have a little halo of hairs that are already working their way out of locks, and I expect in the next few weeks I'll find a lot more loose hair intermingling. I've been pulling out ends that I blunted a while back, and reversing maintenance that doesn't align with the journey. I’m brushing the little loose hairs to discourage locking up, and I’m already choosing my favorite and least favorite locks to keep or allow to loosen.





Already, I’m finding contentment in allowing my hair to find itself without trying to sew it in, wrap it in, tuck it in. Letting the loose mingle with the locked. Perhaps this is the start of a journey back to loose hair - I’m not sure. It’s too early to tell. Maybe I’ll panic in a few months and frantically hook all the loose hairs into new locks. Maybe I’ll get inspired and take the plunge to loosen all my locks.  Perhaps I’ll be perfectly content the way they are. I’m not sure what will happen down the road, and truthfully, that’s the way it supposed to be.


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