Sunday, December 19, 2010

Waiting.

Sometimes, during a rough time in life, a moment of peaceful thinking comes upon me. A moment of clarity. A little bit of wisdom that helps me relax, step back, and stop stressing about the situation.

For the past weeks, I've been struggling with the emotions of carrying an "overdue" child. Much like an overdue bill, my phone keeps ringing about it. Much like an overdue bill, there's not much I can do about it. When you can't make it happen, you just can't, as I have explained to bill collectors in the past. I'm doing the best I can, I've also explained. But the calls are relentless, in both situations.

My emotions about this little one's impending arrival have been varied. Some days, I'm able to keep a calm, "it will happen when it happens" attitude. Some days, I wake up with a feeling of stress, disappointment, and failure sitting heavy on my heart. Some days I'm thankful for the extra time to finish my holiday crafting. And some days the emptiness of my arms make me sit and cry.

This morning, I've come to a place where I can recognize that parenting is hard from the very beginning. Children test your limits before you even meet their gaze for the first time. They are unpredictable, and very much their own person, which is what makes them so amazing. And if I could read my child's mind, know exactly "what the baby is waiting for," it would make parenting easy. Thankfully, we can't read our children's minds. Not as turbulent teenagers, not as frustrated toddlers, not as simple needs infants. That would make the art of parenting much less magic. Make it unnecessary to get to know your child.

So what is this baby waiting on? I presume he or she is waiting on his or her birthday. Unfortunately, we don't know when that is, so it's hard to plan for it. Maybe the baby is waiting to put on a little extra weight... it's awfully cold out here in December. Perhaps the waiting is for a special event - a few days from now, we are having a beautiful celestial event in which a full moon, a lunar eclipse, and the winter solstice all occur on the same day.

In any case, this baby is waiting, and teaching me a lesson in patience. Helping me to be thankful for the gifts I'm getting instead - plenty of time for crafting, a last few quiet moments with just me and POSSLQ, the promise of a travel-free holiday.


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